It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
