I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Someone shattered a urinal.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
