She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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