I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
she woke up with a sticky ear
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
is wine microwaveable?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
