Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
