I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
