You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
