i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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