Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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