I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Randomize
