If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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