When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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