In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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