I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
