He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
