he looks like a really good dad on facebook
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
