Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
