I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
