I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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