My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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