Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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