You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
being pregnant is like rehab
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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