if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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