last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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