I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
