Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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