I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
