i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
