I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
