If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
