I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
