i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
