turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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