We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
