life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
