it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
