puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
