Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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