I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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