So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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