My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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