I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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