dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
