If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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