Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
