the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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