Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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