just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
