I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
