Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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