I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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