that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
