Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
