Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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