I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
