Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
