It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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