I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Randomize
