Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
