i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
