I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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