My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We have so much sex to catch up on
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
