take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
