My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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