just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
