So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
