Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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