i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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